Toughest Mudder Northeast - Pain Is In The Mind/Pee Is In The Wetsuit

This is a story about a guy, who doesn’t like to run, had neglected his training for months but loves obstacles of all kinds, especially obstacles involving lots of mud, water, and adrenaline filled challenges…not heavy shit…nor spear…

One day this guy. we’ll call him LB, saw a post on fFacebookfor the new Toughest Mudder 8-hour event presented by Tough Mudder. They advertised 6 events in the Toughest series, with locations to be announced at a later date. When this later date came around and Philly was announced as a venue for this event, LB became very excited. This venue was a mere 45 min. from LB’s house. LB had to run this event.

LB had never done an endurance event before. He had always wanted to do the World’s Toughest Mudder, but used the venue change from New Jersey(1hr30min away) to Vegas as his out as to why he couldn’t do that event. Even though he knew he couldn’t last 24hours. LB’s longest event was a BFX(Battlefrog Extreme) where he completed 3 laps, and a FIT Challenge where he also completed 3 laps. So, he convinced himself that, with enough time before race day, he could increase his endurance level and be ready. Then, life and reality hit LB.

LB had a plan to increase his running distance every day for 2 months leading up to the event, but then LB had some medical issues that landed him in the hospital. By the time LB had clearance to resume training, the event was only a few weeks away. LB was f’ked.

LB set a realistic goal of 3 laps(15 miles) with the hopes of hitting 4 laps. The previous Toughest event was in Atlanta where the cold temps were in the mid 60’s. Two weeks prior to race day the forecast showed a low of 62. By the time the event rolled around the low was showing 51… Awesome. Thankfully LB consulted #TrollTough Pro Team member, Keith(The Kilt) B. Allen, several months prior for gear advice.

Knowing LB wouldn’t need a wetsuit in the future after this event, he found a used one on eBay for $37.. A headlamp for $20.. The rest of the gear he would need he had already owned from running previous OCRs. The days leading up to race day LB.. Or little bitch… Began asking his confidants what they referred to as the newbie questions … Repeatedly. For anyone seeking advice on events, training, gear, or the meaning of life .. Matt B. Davis and Garfield Griffiths are always happy and willing to help so don’t be shy, send them a PM and ask away.. They happily answered all of LB’s questions, eased his concerns, and put his mind at ease (they’re good like that).
The day of the event LB had a plan all laid out…

The day of the event LB had a plan all laid out…
-wake up at 5am
-consume no caffeine
-nap at 1pm to 5pm
-leave home at 8pm
-arrive at venue 9:30pm
-set up in the pit and be ready for 11:30pm start corral ………….

Well that went to shit real quick!
Wake up 5am …..✔️
Consume no caffeine ..✔️
Nap at 1pm ✖️
That’s where it all went wrong. If you have kids you know there’s zero chance of a nap during the day… As I closed my eyes the kids are fighting .. The dogs are fighting ….. A thousand thoughts going through my head … I never fell asleep but still able to leave for the venue at 8pm. Before he left home he took two Imodium(debated both ways on social media) in an attempt to avoid portashitters that were no doubt destroyed during the event held at the venue in the earlier hours and would be frequented by the 700+ participants that night.

Upon arriving at the venue LB headed up a large hill(that many referred to as the first obstacle) to a clusterf’k of athletes trying to decipher which line to be in for packet pick up. Pretty sure it was around 10pm that they started checking people in. At that point the line moved quickly. A short walk followed into a large tent area with many connected tables to serve as the athlete PIT area to store your supplies and accessible after each lap for gear change or to fuel up. At 11:30pm everyone was directed to the start corral for one of Sean Corvelles epic start line speeches. After the National Anthem and rule review the runners were off.

Many wore the required headlamps with a strobe attached to the back of your headlamp strap. With the open rolling hills of this venue and 700+ participants once the field opened up a bit the view of all the colored strobes from behind was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. This venue is very open with little to no true trails or trees. Lots of hills and lots of grass…. I’m LB btw .. There’s your M. Night Shyamalan cliffhanger ….

The first lap was a “Sprint Lap” meaning no obstacles were open, but each had set times to open and the volunteers were nice enough to yell as you were going by “we open at 1:30am!!” The volunteers were awesome by the way. Knowing the open times of the obstacles you could easily get through two laps without doing some of the more physically or mentally challenging obstacles. I actually got through two laps without doing “Hang Man” a variation known as King Of Swingers, during the day time event. But more on that later …

After my first lap(Sprint Lap) I started to notice the cold set in …I started the race in compression pants and a long sleeve thermal compression top. I originally thought my biggest challenge with cold would be my hands locking up but I began to feel my entire body succumb to the cold.. I made sure to keep moving as much as possible. When I heard the announcer in the distance state “all obstacles are now open” I knew the fun was just beginning. The obstacle placemat was brutal, for example Arctic Enema(ice bath) followed by Funky Monkey(modified monkey bars) making what are usually difficult obstacles near impossible. To my and others delight, the water under the monkey bars felt very warm, making it enjoyable to wade through after failing the obstacle.

Many obstacles had fail penalties that were required after failing an obstacle but all obstacles had to be attempted. The penalties were a separate path from the path you’d take if you had successfully navigated the obstacle. It was usually uphill and some involved a sandbag carry. After completing my second lap, I checked the temp on my phone and it showed 47 degrees. It was time to get the wetsuit out. To be honest, I wouldn’t have made it through my 3rd lap and would’ve gone the way of a medical DQ that many did after succumbing to the cold, had it not been for the wetsuit advised by Keith and the neoprene gloves he loaned me just before the event started.

Being a wetsuit noob, I managed to get my wetsuit on, after much struggle and the assistance of a fellow runner. After doing so I was prepared to go back out for my third, and ultimately final lap, as I realized I had to stop at the shitters to relieve myself (#1…… Not #2 …The Imodium was holding strong) … I got into the shitter before realizing, I had JUST put my wetsuit on.. There was no way I was getting that off to pee and getting it back on. So I stood there and relieved myself in my suit(which was a nice fix for the cold) before heading out for lap 3.

The wetsuit made a world of difference. I had minimal mobility(what do you expect from a wetsuit under $40) but was able to deal with the low temps in the mid to low 40’s and the water of “Augustus Gloop”, Funky Monkey, Arctic Enema and Hang Time. I failed many obstacles on that last lap between the mobility issue, gloves and obstacle conditions at that point. Which certainly extended my total lap time but I said from the start I didn’t care how fast I ran, as long as I lasted the entire 8 hours. At some point on lap 2 I jacked my foot up and could barely apply pressure but once I got into the icebath it numbed enough to get me through the final lap.(the next day I couldn’t get a shoe on it, but so worth it).

After completing my 3rd lap, seeing the sun rising halfway through the lap, I knew I had completed what I set out to do, and learned a lot for the future along the way. The obstacles were world class, high quality and innovative. The setup and execution couldn’t have been more organized or laid out. You can tell TM is learning and adapting as they go with the format of this event. First, several events had two separate 5-mile loops, one opened at 12am with limited obstacles. That loop would close at 4am leading to the opening of the 2nd loop and remaining obstacles. This event was one 5 mile loop with 17 obstacles with staggered openings but by 2am all 17 obstacles were fully operational. Between the weather conditions, rolling hills and high obstacle density this was pegged as the hardest toughest event to date. And many if not nearly all in attendance would agree.

If you’ve never ran one of these events. Do it.
If you’re of the mindset that you can’t, you can.
Learn from my mistakes
Take what you will from my successes
And above all else, don’t be too proud or ego-driven to ask advice of others. Some may get tired of answering the same questions repeatedly… F them. Ask somebody else.
You’ll find somebody happy to lend a hand or some words of wisdom, and it may ultimately make a world of difference in the end. I know it did for me. #FMBDIHA

P.S… For my short visit in the PortaPotties, they were impressively clean for that amount of traffic. Do what Phoebe Brimer suggested and use the one furthest from the shitter entrance.
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Photo Credit: Tough Mudder and the author